i can't get no satisfaction

hi there ducklings!  i thought i might just drop in and give all of you a brief update on my life.  it's been.... odd.  i'm happy with what's going on, for the most part, but everything i'm doing right now gives me a slight bitter taste in my mouth- like fruit that's still pretty good but just starting to turn, or a really good cheese that might just have sat in the fridge a day too long.  like it's still tasty, but there's that hint of "not ok".  it's enough to make you think, "maybe i shouldn't have eaten that.... wow, i really hope i don't get sick."  even though you enjoyed it.  this is what my life tastes like right now. 

odd thing number one:  my job.  for the most part, i love what i'm doing.  i'm currently a mobile librarian, which isn't to say that i work on a mobile library, but that i myself am mobile.  i drive to rural areas to provide library support to the local schools, enabling the entire population to have access to materials and resources- not just the children who are attending. that is very rewarding.  that part of the job i love- seeing the kids and their parents come in every day, planning crafts and story times, encouraging participation in the summer reading program... this is all wonderful, and exactly what i want to be doing.  i'm excited to start implementing adult programming in the fall, and to start preparing my communities for the new "real" libraries that will be built starting next year.  it's exhilarating.  it's awesome, and fun, and makes me proud. but- ahh, you say, where's the bitter with all that sweet? 

i hate my boss.  with a passion.  she's not a bad person, in fact, she's quite nice- but she's absolutely horrible to work for.   she never provides information i need, never provides the proper training, forgets to tell me crucial pieces of information i need to do my job properly, and every single time i ask to do something new or different or better or slightly outside my job description, she stonewalls me.  simply shuts me down.  and belittles me in the process.  oh, she does it kindly- i really don't think that she means anything but well in her head- but when i get told things like "well, you just don't know- you're new" or "that's just not how we do things here, you'll understand more once you get your feet wet" or "it's not you your volunteers are working for, it's the district- you need to remember that you have no real authority there" i want to scream.  i have been a working library employee for six years.  i have received as much training as i was allowed to get.  i know what i'm doing.  i've done it before.  this is making me nuts.  i just want to do my job as well as i know how, and i'm not being allowed to.  bitter, bitter, bitter.  it makes me want to rinse out my mouth. 

odd thing the second: my diet.  i've been on the fence with the diet thing for a long time.  i've been wanting to get healthy for a while- not skinny, just healthy.  i have a lot of familial health risks that are directly tied to being overweight, and i'm determined not to have them.  i want to still be able to walk up stairs when i'm fifty, and i don't want to get diabetes, so i finally decided to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.  what a concept, eh?  so i called a friend who has done it, and she helped me come up with a manageable diet plan that i think i might actually be able to follow- i've already made it a record four days.  (yeah i know.  i'm a pathetic human being with absolutely no will power.  so what?)  i'm not hungry.  i have a lot of people who are helping me.  i'm thrilled that this isn't that hard!  so what's wrong this time?

my weightloss buddy just decided to move to california. on tuesday.  like in five days tuesday.  how am i going to do this without my weightloss buddy?  i have support from my best friend, and my husband, and i think another friend wants to go on the plan with me, but i need her!  yeah i know, i can email and talk on the phone, but it's not the same as knowing that she could drive to my house and slap the shit outta me if i decide that my diet choice that day is going to be eating a pint of icecream and lying around in my underpants watching the mentalist.  (i'm not saying i've ever made this choice.  i certainly didn't make it a couple of saturdays ago. you have no proof.)  i'm just a little bitter.  she's making the choice she needed to make, for personal reasons, so i can't begrudge her. i just am selfishly sad that she has to go now!  man... it tasted so good. 

there are more odd things going on- things that are so good, but have that lingering aftertaste of regret, or anger, or sadness....  i want to be satisfied.  i should be satistfied.... but i'm not.  i need something perfectly delicious to come along.  here's to hoping!  (maybe it's just because i'm new....  or not.) 

los tiempos van cambiando

i'm going to admit it- i like bob dylan.  not his singing, necessarily- in fact, not his singing at all (pitch, dude, pitch.  if you sing through your nose... well, it's going to sound like you're singing through your nose.  but i guess you've become an icon while doing so, so why am i criticizing?), but his songwriting skills.  the dude truly is a poet.  i've been listening pretty much constantly to "the times, they are a changing" the last couple of weeks, and it sums up what's been going on for me.  everything is changing.  it's very hard for me, but it's good change.  it just means that most of my life plans have to be reconsidered.  what am i talking about?  well....

i got a new job.  finally, after eleven interviews and infinite feelings of uselessness, i got a new job.  in a new city, with a new district.  it's what i wanted.  i can't even begin to pretend that i didn't want this.  i knew i needed to leave, and i finally am, but i keep experiencing doubt.  this job is going to be hard and thankless, with a lot of driving and working by myself in rural parts of the state.  that's not necessarily my problem with it, although the $50 a week gas bill in itself gives me pause.  my new boss is already retiring, i'm only getting three days of training before i start, and i am the only librarian for twenty miles during summer reading, which hey!  i missed the training.  we'll see- i just don't like unknowns.  on the plus side, i now have insurance and a 401k.  it's almost like i'm a grownup.  the thing is, this new job means that i will be moving again in ten months, which i hate.  it means that i will soon leave my family and my friends to start a different adventure.  it means i might go back to school and finally get that masters that i always dreamed about.  it's a lot of life change to get with one phone call- and did i mention that i hate change?

i also, as part of the new job thing, am a proud owner of a new car.  i needed one, as the old vehicle was falling apart.  the new car thing was ridiculously scary for me.  i have horrible credit, and couldn't get a car loan, so my father was helping me find financing.  it didn't come through, and didn't come through, until he called me the day before i needed to purchase my vehicle to tell me that a wonderful friend of the family bought the car for me.  i cried for an hour.  there's nothing quite like unexpected generosity to floor you and shake you to the core.  i know that i have a lot of friends who don't believe in a higher power, but it's things like this that make me do so.... i was praying in the shower at the same time as my father was finding out that my car would be bought for me.  i kept asking, over and over, that everything would work out beyond my wildest dreams... and they did.  coincidence?   sure.  but not to me.  so, i have a new car, and a newfound faith in humanity at the least and god at the most, with all the excitement that it brings.  i'm like a little kid with their first car- i keep wanting to buy it things, and wash it, and name it.... names are still being thought of.  any suggestions would be nice.

si... los tiempos van cambiando.  it's a hard thing to come to terms with, but really, truly, and honestly- it's wonderful.  i'm excited. 

i've been neglecting you....

ahh, my ducklings, i have been neglecting you.  i am sorry.  it's been a busy month.  for a small recap, i moved into my wonderful, awesome, lovely, and huge new place.  it is as advertised- well, except for the kitchen, which leaves a bit to be desired, (i would like to have a word with the people who design kitchens.  seriously, guys, wtf?  why would you design an entire kitchen with drawers that are too small to fit a silverware tray?  i have to keep my cutlery on the counter.  also, pantries are good.  not having a pantry means that my friend's small children can throw my canned goods at each other.  i'm pretty much not a fan of that. ) but on the whole the amount of space is awesome.  i never want to leave.  plus it has a pool and summer is coming.  'nough said. 

i also went on a great big huge trip to go see my biological family.  i go and see them about once a year for a week, which is all i can handle without going out of my mind with frustration.  it's a unique situation, as i've been a part of my birth-family's life since i was ten.  that means that i am a really-truly sister to my two half-brothers, even if they don't feel that way to me.  it also means that my birthmom wants to be treated more like a legitimate parent, and i am not prepared or willing to treat her that way.  it's hard.  my loyalties lie firmly with my adoptive family.  they've been mine since the day i was born, and i love them more than life itself.  my bio family is mine simply through genetics.  i am nothing like them, they understand me not at all (with the exception of my youngest brother.  we get each other.  i like to think that it's because i've been a presence in his life for so long, but it's not that as much as he really is a very good guy. ), and i can't take their selfish mindset.  it's bad.  and this time, i took my husbot with me!  he had it rough, but this is the one and only time he has to go.  we did some fun stuff, we ate some awesome food, and we didn't kill anybody.  that's a successful trip.

the worst part of this last month was not getting yet another promotion.  i shouldn't be mad about this, by the way.  i didn't want the job.  but it still stings like nothing i've ever felt simply because it was at the library where i've worked for the last five years.  they didn't promote me because they felt that i wasn't professional enough.  (also i had a bad interview.  that's the part that eats at me the most, because i usually nail those.)  then they hired a guy with the same amount of professional experience as me.  i hate to say they hired him because he has a penis, but i really feel that's the case.  he has flat-out asked me why they didn't hire me, as i'm more qualified than he is.  sigh.  going to work is hard right now.  i just have to keep on telling myself that something will come along,  i'm just starting to feel that the job will not be with my district, so i'm looking elsewhere.  c'mon pueblo!  build those new libraries already! 

i'm just so happy summer is coming.  it's my favorite time of the year.  i can't wait to fish, and go to farmer's markets, and bluegrass festivals, and go camping.  i can't wait to wear tank tops, and decorate the library for the summer reading program.  i can't wait to not have to work in the university kitchen a couple days a week.  two of my friends are having babies, and i can't wait to get started on their blankets.  i did also finish a couple of shawls, so i need to get this pictures up.  things will be good.  they are good.  i can feel it. 

new, new, NEW!

As everybody who reads this knows, i have had problems (to put it mildly) with my lodgings.  the husbot and i finally got a place of our own, and then the good room mate finished school.  he had gone away for a bit, and bad room mate took his place, creating the life havoc that drained me of my will to live last year.  well, good roomie came back.  i love the guy, i really do, but he gave me exactly three hours notice that he was going to be staying with us indefinitely.  all we got was a phone call saying "hey guys, i'm in cheyenne!  i'll be there in a couple of hours!  can't wait to see you!  where can i put my sleeping bag?"  and that was in december.  the astute among you will see that it's currently march, and dude is still sleeping on my office floor.  something here just ain't working for me. 

and, in a weird twist of fate, it's not working for the husbot either.  i think the reason he wasn't nearly as put out by bad room mate's behavior was that it never really effected him at all.  he could still play his games until the wee hours of the morning, and nobody ever kicked him out of his personal space or routine. he's easy-going at the best of times, and bad room mate wasn't bothering him, so why did action need to be taken? welp, now good dude kicks him out of his computer space at nine pm.  and apparently that's the straw that breaks the camel's back.  who knew?  so, all of us weren't happy with life, people were crabby, things had to change.  and i, being the mover and shaker of the bunch, done changed em.  go me! 

i started looking at craigslist for rental listings that would suit our needs- three bedrooms, two bathrooms, not in the ghetto... and the first person i called had a listing that i thought would work.  3 beds, 3 baths, 3 floors.  the best part?  exactly four blocks from my library.  and the price was lower than our max.  of course i went to go see it right after work.  and immediately fell in love.  it was perfect!  everything i could want, and i didn't even need to pay a pet deposit.  i pretty much forced the guys to look at it, and to make a long story short, we get the keys in a week and a half.  you've never seen three more ecstatic people. 

this could be the best thing that happened too me all year, and i'm including in that the time i went to the yarn store and found out quite by accident that they were having a 25% off sale.  yup.  it's that good.  sooo.... who wants to help me move?

rejection

remember when i told everybody about applying for the job in a different city?  well, i got an interview.  it went really well too, but i still didn't get the job.  why?  because, in a fluke move, somebody applied who had nineteen years of library experience and a master's degree.  i was second, as i have a paltry six years and a bachelor's.  i hate that.  i hate being told that i had an awesome interview.  i hate being told that there's nothing i should be doing to make myself more marketable- that i'm already doing it all.  i just can't hold a candle to nineteen years.

i'm not so dissapointed i could spit though.  i did speak with the community director for twenty minutes about the job, and she did say that they lady who got the job and i were the most qualified candidates by far, and that she really wants me to apply again.  she thinks my skills are good, and that i would be an asset to the district, and to keep looking for jobs down there.  i appreciate that.  so many times when i have interviewed, i've just gotten a curt "we picked somebody else" call or not even that much.  i always value the feedback, and i came away feeling like i was somebody they'd hire in the future.  she will see my name on her desk again.  as soon as a full-time position comes up. 

so is this rejection?  i don't really know.  i feel sad because i would have loved doing the work, and i want to branch out.  however, i'm coming away with a good taste in my mouth- something i haven't gotten from this job in the last five years.  i feel like i am wanted there.  i have never felt like that here.  that's good.  i'll keep on trying.

as for trying, i finished a couple of things.  i finished knitting socks out of my goodbye yarn from my friend, and they look lovely with my furry winter boots.  fuzzy boots plus wooly socks equals warm feet, which is good considering that the coldest wettest part of winter should soon be upon us- the time of year that other people call spring.  i also completed a hat for my nerd friend.  apparently she's currently obsessed with anything nathan fillion, and wanted jayne's hat from "firefly".  shockingly (or not, if you know any knitters) i was able to find at least ten patterns for it on ravelry, so i cobbled a bunch together and made my own.  it looks good.  i got a picture of it, and then promptly deleted it, so i need to get another one.  as soon as that happens, i'll post a pic or two.  i have a little shawl in the works, and am still trucking along on those mittens!  at least i'm staying busy.

ps- i'm a little obsessed with anything nathan fillion too.  he's just so dang cute. 

impulse control

my income tax came in.  actually, my state income tax came in, even before the federal, so i'm a wee bit confused about that- but no matter, i got money!  and as all reasonable and rational people do, i decided that i would save it.  nest eggs are good!

and then i spent it.

well, actually, i didn't spend all of it.  i didn't even spend half, but i still feel guilty about it, seeing as i've been cut a day at work, and money's a bit tight.  ya know how i was making fun of my friend with all the yarn?  (whom i totally adore, by the way.  she gave me goodbye yarn.  obviously she knows the way to my heart.  yarn, and three musketeers bars.  i will love her forever.)  well, ummm..... i spent my money on yarn too.  i walked into the yarn shop with sixty dollars.  anybody who knows a lot about yarn can tell you that sixty bucks really isn't a lot of money to spend on yarn, and i don't have a credit card.  i thought "hey, i'm going to limit myself.  i can only spend the money that i have in my wallet.  this is good."  nope.  there was a gas station with an atm within walking distance.  and guess who walked her happy butt over there to use it?  *points with thumbs* this kid.

it was the sock yarn that did it.  oh, they have sock yarn.  (i have never been to this shop, by the way.  it was a new shop for me, and i think that may have been part of the problem.)  i got three skeins of it, and blew my sixty bucks right there.  but man, this sock yarn..... well, you don't even know.  let's just say that i have a weakness for anything acid green and leave it at that.  but three new pairs of socks, in really cool patterns?  well, that's at least a month of knitting fun right there.  i paid the man, and he went into the back to wind my yarn for me (i might add here- a dude working in a yarn shop?  totally hot.  he was straight too.  sixty, with grandkids, but straight.  i love that. and the fact that i thought it hot- quite bothersome.) and i felt quite proud of myself.  but then i wandered over to the knitting notions and saw.....

sock keepers.  yup.  i have been coveting them with all the covetousness of my heart for just about ever.  and then i hopped myself over to the atm.  i bought three.  i never have this many socks in progress.  three??  what the hell, me.  sigh.  and i got needles too.  ya know.  so i can make more socks.  to justify the sock keepers.  eiii.  

so there it is.  i can't tease my friend any more again ever.  please don't tell my husband?  

ambition

ahhhh.  finally.  after too many months, i seem to be pulling myself out of the funk that i've been in.  it's been since september, i think, that i really was completely happy and at ease, and i am truly thankful to return to even a shadow of my former happiness.  i don't know whether it was the seasons changing (winter is always hard for me) or my relationship/ room mate issues chronicled in another post, but this winter was challenging.  i'm hoping it's getting better.  with the return of my positivity, i'm suddenly becoming professionally confident again.

today i did something that i never have done before.  i applied for a job with a different district, in a different city.  i have NO IDEA if i will even be considered for the job, but i meet all the criteria.  it's not like it's far away- only a thirty minute drive from where i live now- but the fact that i'm even actively looking elsewhere is a huge step for me.  quite the departure from the norm.  of course i'm scared.  but i keep telling myself that the worst thing that could happen is that they will tell me no.  and how badly off would that leave me?  exactly where i am right now.  and really, that's not bad at all. 

i keep wondering why this is something that is hard for me.  after all, i just put in an application- it's not like i'm a shoe-in, or that they even know me.  i don't have an interview.  it was just the application.  nothing more.  i guess it's more symbolic for me- a sign that i don't have to be tied to the same city i grew up in, that i'm completely willing to branch out.  (i'm trying to forget that most of my in-laws live there, and that i spent quite a lot of time there when my husband and i were dating.  it's a new city, dang it.)  and i want this.  i want to do more.  i'm professionally ready to do more.  and with nine rejections in my district, i think that perhaps a change is in order.  and i'm ready. 

and i'm totally putting the cart before the horse.  i know this.  i can't let myself get too excited about anything, because at least for me, that makes the rejection so much worse.  but.... but.....  i'm excited.  because i made that first step, and that's one of the best feelings i've had in a very long time. 

in other news- i am knitting for me and loving it.  i finished the first of a set of colorwork mittens (my first time doing colorwork, which knocks one of those new year's resolutions right off the list.  one down, like nineteen million more to go) and it looks lovely.  i'm really happy with how they seem to be turning out!  i've also finished one of a pair of boot socks for me (are yall starting to sense a theme here?)  and i love them as well.  the yarn for the socks was a goodbye present from my library friend who retired (the one with all the yarn... remember her?) and it's a little sad to knit it, but the socks will be lovely.  next up- stash enrichment.  i used all my yarn at christmas.  and with the income tax coming in......  ahhh, dreams.  it'll be good.